Reading Between the Lines; Analyzing Conversations in Online Dating

MuffDiver69 sent you a message! “F**k. Why me?” You start to question your sane existence on a dating website. Is it acceptable to judge someone based on their dating profile username, or do we assume that it was just a joke? The username implies a lot of mixed messages. I doubt this guy works at a bakery diving into muffins every morning. Perhaps, his favorite number is sixty-nine because it represents 1969 as the year of the first episode of Scooby-Doo, Where Are You! that appeared on CBS.  Clearly, he must be referring to himself as a dog after all.

The username sets up the first impression with a lot of hesitation and disinterest. The next step is how they start the conversation. Whether you effectively analyzed their dating profile or started browsing through an endless list of fan letters, stay engaged with someone you are truly interested in. You might actually miss something important other than picking up on their account credentials.

In this article, I will focus on conversation analysis. Guys, the clue phone rang plenty of times, and you still have messages! Why not check them? She either wants you to stay or pack your bags. Pick it up! This one is for you! Girls, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Why are you still letting that one swim around at the end of the hook? If you are trying to reel him in and he is not putting any effort into coming closer, stop struggling! Let him swim away. We need to discuss how to analyze conversations through first impressions and word choice. Lastly, we need to start treating life like an hourglass! If the person is not worth a grain of sand, move on before time runs out!

In addition, I am going to discuss conversation methods that guys use with OkCupid. I will be incorporating a social experiment that I personally conducted with my two Catfish dating profiles. Are they thirsty or are they serious? I caught the same guy fishing for both ladies! Did he talk to them differently based on what they provided on their dating profile? Is the education section more intimidating for the guys who sleep around all the time? Is there a greater chance that family oriented guys are looking for someone serious?

When someone sends you a message, you have to keep in mind that not all messages are created with equal intentions. I will categorize the three types of groups on a dating website that most hopeless romantics will discover. These three main areas of concern are Physical Intimacy and/or Emotional Comfort Deficiency, Sexual frustration, and the Disney Believers.

Physical intimacy

Physical Intimacy and/or Emotional Comfort Deficiency

We all crave a physical and/or emotional connection with someone. This deficiency in physical intimacy and emotional comfort can push hopeless romantics over the edge. We tend to satisfy these urges through social networking websites, but sometimes we need more than that. We need to meet people in person to get the actual physical or emotional fix from physical intimacy. The intellectual conversations can only do so much for a strong, emotional connection with someone. The way we approach this desire can come off as desperate or too clingy. I am down to cuddle with anyone through no strings attached snuggling. However, the sensual intentions are constantly surrounded by sexual misconceptions. An instant wall of hesitation creates a temporary access of trust until boundaries are crossed. That is the crucial moment when trust will be much harder to achieve. If two people mutually agree that they will only cuddle with each other, how does one continue to trust the other if they take an advantage of the situation? How will you be certain that they will respect your own morals and values to your own body if they made an attempt to challenge them?

In one of my most explicit road maps to seduction,  I created an article that reveals the sensualist perspective. I focus on a forehead to waistline outline that will only make or break the encounter. I cannot guarantee success because nobody shares the same tolerance of pleasure, however I can guarantee confidence in the bedroom. I can guarantee that you will get your fix if it is solely on a sensual, rather than sexual, experience.

Sexual Frustration

Sexual Frustration

Your magazines appear to be used, flipped, and sticky. Your DVD collection has at least two scratches on each CD. Your computer is running extremely slow with content that eventually grew on you after years of commitment. Your toys ran out of batteries, or your virtual flesh is starting to tear apart. Your blowup doll had enough hot air to warm up an entire winter season. Your hand needs a vacation. You crave the real thing, but you hesitate to pay for an erotic service. If it was given for free, do you even have standards for one-night stands? College students might have this sexually frustrated stereotype, and older individuals might be overwhelmed with a mid-life crisis. This is the group that has a greater impact on social networks. Sex is a physical and emotional desire for some, and an addiction for others. Some people count each other as numbers, others look at the quality of each person. This divide has become the most conflicting issue on dating websites. Anyone with class or respect for themselves will not carry around the easy impression. Regardless how sexually frustrated they are, the least they can do is find someone reasonably respectful and passionate to treat them as a temporary partner.

Disney Believers 

There is still hope that one day a Disney believer’s  fairy tale ending will come around the corner. They will have to kiss many toads, face ugly dragons, obsessive knights, and plenty of jokers throughout their journey for true love. They give dating websites a second chance rather than their only hope. They have plenty of hope that their soul-mate is somewhere in the world. They feel as if their knight and shining armor was never meant to be down the street from them, but they are determined to find them eventually. The only way to expand their search is to look online. They can live without the physical or emotional connection, but the sexually frustrated individuals annoy them. They are classy, spontaneous, and heartfelt. These people stand out from the rest because they come across as patient, optimistic, and determined hopeless romantics. They will not settle for less because they already know they deserve much better than that. Time will tell, believers. Those butterflies should rest until then.

Categorizing First Impressions

The first impression of someone’s message will instantly determine which group describes their overall personality. When you engage in a conversation, the way they express their ideas will provide more clues on their overall self-esteem and identity. This might sound overwhelming to remember, but it should come natural with interpersonal communication. I will provide some examples of how guys approached two of my Catfish OkCupid accounts posing as two girls in their early 20′s living in California.

I portray as a recent UConn graduate with a B.A. in Psychology, minor in French. She is pursuing a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology in California while volunteering at a health clinic. Nobody ever questioned why she was in Connecticut before she came to California. The other account portrays as a rave girl living in California with no academic aspirations. She makes her own cosplay outfits.  She answers her questions on her dating profile with sexual responses. This allows me to understand if guys take the time to read the responses. Although the sophisticated one is very bubbly and outgoing, she makes a note that she recently left an abusive relationship. In addition, the most private thing to admit is an accidental, embarrassing sext moment when she sexted her best friend. Now, her best guy friend calls her, “Cheeks.”  

The OkCupid Social Experiment 

This is how the OkCupid social experiment played out with each account. I will compare the first message from the same guy with the college graduate and the next will show an example of the first message to the rave girl. Notice the tone and word choice with each account. Think about how education and sexual gratification play into these messages.

An example first message for the college graduate:

“Hey maybe we could chat sometime if you like?”

An example first message from the same guy for the rave girl:

“Hey there cutie maybe we could chat sometime”

Ah, he almost uses a copy and paste method of chatting. The main difference is that he actually made a move on my appearance as the rave chick and not the one with the four year degree. Does that really prove anything? Is it more polite to ask, “if you like,” rather than assume that the other will talk to him sometime? Let’s find out. On the sophisticated side, he asks a basic question to engage in conversation:

Him: Lol I’ll do my best. So how is your day?

College Graduate: It was fun. Just talking to a bunch of weirdos on here. lol

Him: That doesn’t sounds fun lol I would hate that
CG: Yeah, especially the horny ones. Did porn shut down or something? lol

Him: Lol I know what you mean I hear about guys like that a lot on here and I’m like why?

CG: Yeah, they would f**k anything that has a hole. lol

Him: Lmao that sounds about right for most guys on the internet in general :P

CG: Are you like most guys? 

Him: I don’t think I am but I honestly couldn’t tell you for sure 

CG: Why not? Is there something you’re hiding from me? 
Him: I’m not hiding anything from you I just honestly don’t couldn’t tell you if I’m like most guys because it would be your personal opinion lol
CG: Are you usually engaging in sexual conversations with other women on the Internet? That wouldn’t be a personal opinion. You either do or you don’t … like most guys.

Him: I honestly don’t unless the girl I’m talking to is my gf lol but I haven’t had one in a while lol

How about the rave girl?  
In summary, the chat went like this:
Him: I want you so bad I’ll do anything you like ;)
RG:anything? what are you confident the most about? ;)

Him: Confident about? Thats a good question lol idk honestly I’m not to confident of a person lol

 RG: haha, you’re silly! what could you do for me that you know would please me and make me moan? ^_^

Him: Mmm I could probably play with your nice tits and rub that wet pussy ;)

RG: mmm hey babe, do you know what erogenous zones are?

Him: No what are they?
RG: Aw, that’s a shame. If you did, you could please me really well. :(
Him: I’m so sorry baby could you tell me what they are? 
Him: I wanna please you as much as I can babe
RG:[sent him a link on erogenous zones] 
The guy never came back to me to verify that he understands the importance of erogenous zones. I was hesitant to give him one of my blog articles, so I sent him a link to askmen.com. He continued the conversation with complimentary language, mentioning how sexy I was. The concept of erogenous zones will give you that warm sexy vibe, but that was not the point. I wish he asked which areas would I enjoy the most. Does it matter? Was he caught up with his own selfish sexual gratification? Does he really care about pleasing me much as he promises? I doubt it. I am not his girlfriend, remember?
The Compatibility Stats 
RG: 8% Match 53% Friend 40% Enemy
CG: 65% Match 46% Friend 20% Enemy
If this guy cared about matches, he is trying his best to make an impression on the educated woman. If he cared about friends (with benefits), he would go after the rave girl. In the long run, he knows the rave girl would not be the ideal match for him for something stable. So, why would he waste his time on her? The emotional attachment might end up with the educated woman, while the physical attachment is with the rave girl. After an hour later, the guy messages the college graduate back.

Him: I hope I didn’t scare you off lol

CG: I am pretty sure you just want a f**k buddy. Sorry I wasted your time.

Him: I never said that :/ I honestly don’t sorry that it seemed like that and sorry that I wasted your time.

Conversational Strategies Most People Do 

1. If the person is a potential ideal match for a serious commitment, they are generally more respectful. It’s common sense.

Example:

Girl: Here’s the guy I’ve been talking to this whole time, mom!

Mom: Aw, how did you two meet? Was it at school? 

The young couple embarrassingly looks at each other, hesitating to respond. The idea of meeting each other online was nothing to be ashamed about, but the initial message that created this inseparable bond.

2. If the person is a potential hook-up, one-night stand, or a fling, meeting family is generally a reserved situation. Complimentary language, pick-up lines, and anything oriented around appearance is an immediate red flag. Guys, if you cared that much to set an impression, why not focus on complimenting her on something that rarely receives praise? These factors are generally academic achievements,  a legitimate profile analysis, and keywords that struck you the most. Just remember my previous blog post about analyzing dating profiles.

3. The tone of voice and word choice in language is very flexible. The college graduate used “lol” at the end of each response until she questioned him on the spot if he was like most guys on the Internet. In comparison, his tone of language is slightly different from the way he communicates with the rave girl. According to the guy, there is no reason to talk dirty to other women on the Internet because he only reserves that behavior with his girlfriend. He mentions that he has not had one in a while. Therefore, in his opinion, he is clear from being like most guys on the Internet. He hears about the behavior of men on the Internet, yet questions it as a hypocrite.

A Side Note

Keep in mind that people have their own word banks for different emotions, reactions, or feelings toward a situation. On the phone, there are different non-verbal cues like giggling and hesitation to speak. Always be on the alert for these things! Now, as far as prolonged foreplay goes, this guy receives an F for F**ck Off! He needs to tackle a few things before going for the end zone with the football. Seriously, do we blame porn for the deterioration of prolonged foreplay? When was it acceptable to assume that it is necessary to skip her facial features? Forget chivalry, what ever happened to sensual forehead kisses? Does he skip around the bases?

Concluding Thoughts

We are all human, we have urges, and we desire to feel physically and emotionally connected with other people. How we approach these conflicting issues in our lives to overcome the overwhelming desire is primarily based on convenience. If there is a local bar or a glowing monitor screen around the corner, we take action. What we need to understand is that we all have primitive instincts on relationships. If someone attracts us, we are intrigued. We initiate contact, engage in communication, and we market ourselves in the dating marketplace. The communication can be both verbal or non-verbal, but the Internet acts as a virtual barrier to change the way we challenge the question as to whether this person is worth a date, several dates, or a possible long-term commitment. The way we engage with each other sets the tone in the conversation. Do they seem interested? Are they writing in paragraphs? Are they caught up with complimentary vocabulary or factual information? Take a note to the response time. If they never mentioned that they were busy, why are they taking longer than expected to reply back if they are interested? Until next time, take action and start questioning! You deserve better than the second option. Thanks for reading!

Let’s Talk!

Questions, comments, concerns? Get argumentative. I write for the sake of engagement. This is what makes an effective blog worth reading. Never take everything, and go with it. Opinions! What sparked your interested? A different guy questioned both women if they had Instagram to verify that he was not being Catfished. Would you do the same? What triggers your gut instinct to say that someone is too good to be true?

18 comments on “Reading Between the Lines; Analyzing Conversations in Online Dating

  1. justaddtea says:

    I think I fit into all 3 of your categories. I’m a Disney believer who craves the physical intimacy, but occasionally is just extremely sexually frustrated. Case in point, I’m currently in an undefined relationship and he’s not into the physical intimacy as much, so I try to refrain from touching because I would like to believe he’s “the one” as promised in the Disney movies. I keep hoping that as we get further into the relationship, he’ll be more into the physical. He tries, but we’re both working really hard and sometimes it feels like it’s more work than fun… We’ve hit our first really big rough patch. Or the first one big enough to make me question. I kinda want your advice…

    • Ah, the triple threat! I am sure that can become a really interesting struggle. In general, that physical intimacy and emotional comfort will always connect with Disney. That’s a fact. The relationships will all have some form of those two together, and that encourages young minds to wish upon stars to find someone to engage in these passionate love stories portrayed in animated cartoons. Whether someone wants that happy ending or the simplistic nature of just connecting with a random stranger, that will make or break the Disney believer. Now, the sexual frustration added into the mix will create a lot of tension. You want to feel affection, love, passion, romance, and euphoric bliss with a soul mate. When you are confident that you have this special person in your life, you want to spoil them with unconditional love. It really doesn’t get any better than this. However, in your case, there are cock blocks. These sensual roadblocks in any relationship can set the tension high. Why on Earth would anyone show a little kid a delicious cake, and not eat it too? Your passionate sensual side wants to show love and affection. Your partner hinders this great potential that you have to offer. Ah, yeah, I feel it. I understand. I am in the other boat in this scenario. You get to see your lover, but I don’t have the option to see mine. However, I feel the tension. I am not sure which side would be better. Would it be easier to be in a long distant relationship or something closer yet … experience these given obstacles?

      • justaddtea says:

        He often has to go out of town for business, off-shore, actually, and we things go much smoother when he’s gone. While the physical is missing, the promise of the physical (both as intimacy and sex) are intensified. It’s just that we’re having a hard time making it work when he’s here… It’s complicated.

      • Good things come to those who wait, right? You will have amazing hot passionate sex later. Just take each day, embrace it, and feel blessed that he’s in your life. I wish the best of luck for the two of you. You deserve to be happy with each other, and if you can get through each day with these struggles, anything is possible. ;)

      • justaddtea says:

        I hope you’re right. Thanks again! And keep writing such amazing posts!

  2. Diyana W. says:

    Hey dear prince! How I’ve missed reading your updates! I don’t know if you remember me but I commented quite a few times in your past posts and I just want to tell you that I have moved from WordPress to Blogspot. It just seems easier for me. :-)

    Anyway, I think I am quite the “Disney Believer”. I am so caught up with Disney classics lately (I firmly believe that Zachary Levi, who voiced Flynn Rider in Tangled, is a real life Disney prince) that I think real life love should be like how they portray it in the movies. All the singing and dancing…Ah. <3

    • Aw, I am sorry! I found myself. I am passionate about my new job. I will try my best to rekindle everything. Ha, the irony. Rekindling. I love how most of my followers are still hanging on with me after such a long wait. Now, that’s commitment. What was your blog on WordPress before? I would go through my comments, but I am lazy. lol Ah, Flynn, he reminds me so much of myself! Yeah, that’s a great observation and connection. I am so glad you relate to this. I came up with this idea of, “Who do we really see on these websites?” Then, I understood the reasons why those people were there. Et voila! I wrote away. I am glad you enjoyed it. How’s Blogspot treating you? I know some people prefer WordPress, others prefer Blogspot. It all depends on their individual needs.

      • Diyana W. says:

        I used to be conversationallyselective when I was in WordPress. Now it’s diyanastakes on Blogspot. (: x

  3. livingincyn says:

    Thanks for liking my post. This was an interesting article. I teach communications skills to undergrads — and I’m sure some of them have been on dating sites — so it’s interesting to see your analysis. Looking forward to reading more. Adding you to my Reader!

    • Oh, excellent! Yeah, I feel as if we’re always caught up in the moment of meeting someone new for the first time without actually evaluating our own verbal and non-verbal cues, let alone the information coming back to us. Thanks for feeling intrigued to hop on board with my blog. I appreciate it!

  4. […] I was reading one of Prince Charming blog posts the other day where he talks about 3 types of groups on a dating website. Check it out here http://prinzecharming.com/2014/01/20/reading-between-the-lines-analyzing-conversations-in-online-dat&#8230; […]

  5. Hi there,
    ‘When was it acceptable to assume that it is necessary to skip her facial features?’

    I often wonder that myself, which is why when I have researched pornography I feel slightly comforted by the sight of Actors kissing; not that I am endorsing pornography.

    As a middle aged woman I am content in my singledom, neither worrying about ending my days alone or in a relationship. I do have a lover/ friend and I am happy that it is what is.

    I really enjoyed this post.

    • Thank you for providing feedback! I appreciate it. It’s definitely an interesting concept behind watching pornography and analyzing it as an effective or ineffective guide rather than to determine whether or not it was a good “adult episode/show/short film” to convey “fauxmance”. I am glad you can comfortably spend quality time with someone special. You deserve it! Feel free to visit again, and discuss how you feel!

      Take care.

  6. Deuphoria says:

    I’ve been on OK Cupid for years. The men are lazy. They browse through profiles and then push button saying they want to meet you which puts the ball in the ladies court. If you want to meet me. Read my profile. Learn about me and then say something relevant. I’m not making the first move because you can’t.

    and if they do, this is what I get….”read your profile. waz up?”

    Oh yea, that’s getting me hot. Not.

    I do think I could find love online. But not on a dating site where men promote themselves to woman by explaining how much they love hunting, atv’s, and sports. Yawn. Like super fucking yawn.

    I think I’ll hold out for someone grand. And you know, these guys who are real gentlemen are not on something like OK Cupid.

    My faith in finding someone grand is fading. I guess I can live with that. Better to be alone than to live with just a walking penis who has no big thoughts, nor makes me laugh and kills animals for fun.

    Spiffs on your experiment. You still remain thoughtful, wise and grand as well.

    Keep on writing.

  7. Love your blog – the title, the red satin. Very creative and puts a smile on my face!

  8. Deuphoria says:

    I just read this again. What triggers me to think that someone is too good to be true, is because once upon a time, I kinda had someone that was too good to be true, but he wasn’t really able to tell me the truth, of why he was so interested. I actually thought I was not good enough to know in real life as we never met on a real level…. so ironically when the destined one that is too good to be true, but is very true, my gut response was first happiness!!!!! and then wait, someone has already done this to me before and I didn’t want to role play again. In truth, it was the pain from the last one, that actually might spoil my chances of trying something similar that most likely would have had the outcome I was looking for with the other one and without all the years of wating to be heard. Like a comet it’s there and you almost freeze from confusion on where it’s headed.

    I had played with the other one for so long that when a better one arrived, I knew I would become an instant clingy person so I sabotage myself and hurt the one I really should have been loving. Celibacy and hysteria can cause a very lovely lady to become quite hard headed and her own worst enemy. If your so deprived of intimacy, like water, the minute you come across it, you want to drink it up as soon as possible and as much as possible as to get to God. I’m not a spring chicken anymore.

    Just like you posted, I’m WAS Charlotte. “I just wanna be fucked!” Hysterical. Not thinking about being patient. Because the real one also needs to be sure and one needs to prove to have long standing substance. You have to make sure your decorate your soul before you jump overboard too soon. Prove you are someone worth keeping by letting time tell and magic to take it’s course. Something I have learned over the last couple of years. Sometimes you love someone so much that your happy to be alive on this planet at the same time. That in itself and astonishing to think about.

    I’m trantric and I can clear my schedule for a man that is worth the wait. That’s how you really love someone. Let the one you love woo you for awhile so as to have the ecstatic love making we all seek. When that happens, holding hands becomes sexual. Everything. Every word, every separation, every feeling of abandonment turns into love because it endures unconditionally and forever. Now that’s a story Snow White can tell. :j

    And again, I’m sorry I was such a bitch. i have dialed that down now.

    If only we could turn back time, but it’s not always about the destination, sometimes the plane ride there, no matter how long with it’s bumps and boredom, is exciting as well. It really is about a journey and every couple in love should have a grand story on how they came to be.

    me

  9. […] all factors in making or breaking that initial connection. In the last social experiment, I was analyzing conversations to discover this notion about social interaction between two catfish women and fifty randomly […]

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