Reading Between the Lines; Analyzing Conversations in Online Dating

MuffDiver69 sent you a message! “F**k. Why me?” You start to question your sane existence on a dating website. Is it acceptable to judge someone based on their dating profile username, or do we assume that it was just a joke? The username implies a lot of mixed messages. I doubt this guy works at a bakery diving into muffins every morning. Perhaps, his favorite number is sixty-nine because it represents 1969 as the year of the first episode of Scooby-Doo, Where Are You! that appeared on CBS.  Clearly, he must be referring to himself as a dog after all.

The username sets up the first impression with a lot of hesitation and disinterest. The next step is how they start the conversation. Whether you effectively analyzed their dating profile or started browsing through an endless list of fan letters, stay engaged with someone you are truly interested in. You might actually miss something important other than picking up on their account credentials.

In this article, I will focus on conversation analysis. Guys, the clue phone rang plenty of times, and you still have messages! Why not check them? She either wants you to stay or pack your bags. Pick it up! This one is for you! Girls, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Why are you still letting that one swim around at the end of the hook? If you are trying to reel him in and he is not putting any effort into coming closer, stop struggling! Let him swim away. We need to discuss how to analyze conversations through first impressions and word choice. Lastly, we need to start treating life like an hourglass! If the person is not worth a grain of sand, move on before time runs out!

In addition, I am going to discuss conversation methods that guys use with OkCupid. I will be incorporating a social experiment that I personally conducted with my two Catfish dating profiles. Are they thirsty or are they serious? I caught the same guy fishing for both ladies! Did he talk to them differently based on what they provided on their dating profile? Is the education section more intimidating for the guys who sleep around all the time? Is there a greater chance that family oriented guys are looking for someone serious?

When someone sends you a message, you have to keep in mind that not all messages are created with equal intentions. I will categorize the three types of groups on a dating website that most hopeless romantics will discover. These three main areas of concern are Physical Intimacy and/or Emotional Comfort Deficiency, Sexual frustration, and the Disney Believers.

Physical intimacy

Physical Intimacy and/or Emotional Comfort Deficiency

We all crave a physical and/or emotional connection with someone. This deficiency in physical intimacy and emotional comfort can push hopeless romantics over the edge. We tend to satisfy these urges through social networking websites, but sometimes we need more than that. We need to meet people in person to get the actual physical or emotional fix from physical intimacy. The intellectual conversations can only do so much for a strong, emotional connection with someone. The way we approach this desire can come off as desperate or too clingy. I am down to cuddle with anyone through no strings attached snuggling. However, the sensual intentions are constantly surrounded by sexual misconceptions. An instant wall of hesitation creates a temporary access of trust until boundaries are crossed. That is the crucial moment when trust will be much harder to achieve. If two people mutually agree that they will only cuddle with each other, how does one continue to trust the other if they take an advantage of the situation? How will you be certain that they will respect your own morals and values to your own body if they made an attempt to challenge them?

In one of my most explicit road maps to seduction,  I created an article that reveals the sensualist perspective. I focus on a forehead to waistline outline that will only make or break the encounter. I cannot guarantee success because nobody shares the same tolerance of pleasure, however I can guarantee confidence in the bedroom. I can guarantee that you will get your fix if it is solely on a sensual, rather than sexual, experience.

Sexual Frustration

Sexual Frustration

Your magazines appear to be used, flipped, and sticky. Your DVD collection has at least two scratches on each CD. Your computer is running extremely slow with content that eventually grew on you after years of commitment. Your toys ran out of batteries, or your virtual flesh is starting to tear apart. Your blowup doll had enough hot air to warm up an entire winter season. Your hand needs a vacation. You crave the real thing, but you hesitate to pay for an erotic service. If it was given for free, do you even have standards for one-night stands? College students might have this sexually frustrated stereotype, and older individuals might be overwhelmed with a mid-life crisis. This is the group that has a greater impact on social networks. Sex is a physical and emotional desire for some, and an addiction for others. Some people count each other as numbers, others look at the quality of each person. This divide has become the most conflicting issue on dating websites. Anyone with class or respect for themselves will not carry around the easy impression. Regardless how sexually frustrated they are, the least they can do is find someone reasonably respectful and passionate to treat them as a temporary partner.

Disney Believers 

There is still hope that one day a Disney believer’s  fairy tale ending will come around the corner. They will have to kiss many toads, face ugly dragons, obsessive knights, and plenty of jokers throughout their journey for true love. They give dating websites a second chance rather than their only hope. They have plenty of hope that their soul-mate is somewhere in the world. They feel as if their knight and shining armor was never meant to be down the street from them, but they are determined to find them eventually. The only way to expand their search is to look online. They can live without the physical or emotional connection, but the sexually frustrated individuals annoy them. They are classy, spontaneous, and heartfelt. These people stand out from the rest because they come across as patient, optimistic, and determined hopeless romantics. They will not settle for less because they already know they deserve much better than that. Time will tell, believers. Those butterflies should rest until then.

Categorizing First Impressions

The first impression of someone’s message will instantly determine which group describes their overall personality. When you engage in a conversation, the way they express their ideas will provide more clues on their overall self-esteem and identity. This might sound overwhelming to remember, but it should come natural with interpersonal communication. I will provide some examples of how guys approached two of my Catfish OkCupid accounts posing as two girls in their early 20’s living in California.

I portray as a recent UConn graduate with a B.A. in Psychology, minor in French. She is pursuing a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology in California while volunteering at a health clinic. Nobody ever questioned why she was in Connecticut before she came to California. The other account portrays as a rave girl living in California with no academic aspirations. She makes her own cosplay outfits.  She answers her questions on her dating profile with sexual responses. This allows me to understand if guys take the time to read the responses. Although the sophisticated one is very bubbly and outgoing, she makes a note that she recently left an abusive relationship. In addition, the most private thing to admit is an accidental, embarrassing sext moment when she sexted her best friend. Now, her best guy friend calls her, “Cheeks.”  

The OkCupid Social Experiment 

This is how the OkCupid social experiment played out with each account. I will compare the first message from the same guy with the college graduate and the next will show an example of the first message to the rave girl. Notice the tone and word choice with each account. Think about how education and sexual gratification play into these messages.

An example first message for the college graduate:

“Hey maybe we could chat sometime if you like?”

An example first message from the same guy for the rave girl:

“Hey there cutie maybe we could chat sometime”

Ah, he almost uses a copy and paste method of chatting. The main difference is that he actually made a move on my appearance as the rave chick and not the one with the four year degree. Does that really prove anything? Is it more polite to ask, “if you like,” rather than assume that the other will talk to him sometime? Let’s find out. On the sophisticated side, he asks a basic question to engage in conversation:

Him: Lol I’ll do my best. So how is your day?

College Graduate: It was fun. Just talking to a bunch of weirdos on here. lol

Him: That doesn’t sounds fun lol I would hate that
CG: Yeah, especially the horny ones. Did porn shut down or something? lol

Him: Lol I know what you mean I hear about guys like that a lot on here and I’m like why?

CG: Yeah, they would f**k anything that has a hole. lol

Him: Lmao that sounds about right for most guys on the internet in general 😛

CG: Are you like most guys? 

Him: I don’t think I am but I honestly couldn’t tell you for sure 

CG: Why not? Is there something you’re hiding from me? 
Him: I’m not hiding anything from you I just honestly don’t couldn’t tell you if I’m like most guys because it would be your personal opinion lol
CG: Are you usually engaging in sexual conversations with other women on the Internet? That wouldn’t be a personal opinion. You either do or you don’t … like most guys.

Him: I honestly don’t unless the girl I’m talking to is my gf lol but I haven’t had one in a while lol

How about the rave girl?  
In summary, the chat went like this:
Him: I want you so bad I’ll do anything you like 😉
RG:anything? what are you confident the most about? 😉

Him: Confident about? Thats a good question lol idk honestly I’m not to confident of a person lol

 RG: haha, you’re silly! what could you do for me that you know would please me and make me moan? ^_^

Him: Mmm I could probably play with your nice tits and rub that wet pussy 😉

RG: mmm hey babe, do you know what erogenous zones are?

Him: No what are they?
RG: Aw, that’s a shame. If you did, you could please me really well. 😦
Him: I’m so sorry baby could you tell me what they are? 
Him: I wanna please you as much as I can babe
RG:[sent him a link on erogenous zones] 
The guy never came back to me to verify that he understands the importance of erogenous zones. I was hesitant to give him one of my blog articles, so I sent him a link to askmen.com. He continued the conversation with complimentary language, mentioning how sexy I was. The concept of erogenous zones will give you that warm sexy vibe, but that was not the point. I wish he asked which areas would I enjoy the most. Does it matter? Was he caught up with his own selfish sexual gratification? Does he really care about pleasing me much as he promises? I doubt it. I am not his girlfriend, remember?
The Compatibility Stats 
RG: 8% Match 53% Friend 40% Enemy
CG: 65% Match 46% Friend 20% Enemy
If this guy cared about matches, he is trying his best to make an impression on the educated woman. If he cared about friends (with benefits), he would go after the rave girl. In the long run, he knows the rave girl would not be the ideal match for him for something stable. So, why would he waste his time on her? The emotional attachment might end up with the educated woman, while the physical attachment is with the rave girl. After an hour later, the guy messages the college graduate back.

Him: I hope I didn’t scare you off lol

CG: I am pretty sure you just want a f**k buddy. Sorry I wasted your time.

Him: I never said that :/ I honestly don’t sorry that it seemed like that and sorry that I wasted your time.

Conversational Strategies Most People Do 

1. If the person is a potential ideal match for a serious commitment, they are generally more respectful. It’s common sense.

Example:

Girl: Here’s the guy I’ve been talking to this whole time, mom!

Mom: Aw, how did you two meet? Was it at school? 

The young couple embarrassingly looks at each other, hesitating to respond. The idea of meeting each other online was nothing to be ashamed about, but the initial message that created this inseparable bond.

2. If the person is a potential hook-up, one-night stand, or a fling, meeting family is generally a reserved situation. Complimentary language, pick-up lines, and anything oriented around appearance is an immediate red flag. Guys, if you cared that much to set an impression, why not focus on complimenting her on something that rarely receives praise? These factors are generally academic achievements,  a legitimate profile analysis, and keywords that struck you the most. Just remember my previous blog post about analyzing dating profiles.

3. The tone of voice and word choice in language is very flexible. The college graduate used “lol” at the end of each response until she questioned him on the spot if he was like most guys on the Internet. In comparison, his tone of language is slightly different from the way he communicates with the rave girl. According to the guy, there is no reason to talk dirty to other women on the Internet because he only reserves that behavior with his girlfriend. He mentions that he has not had one in a while. Therefore, in his opinion, he is clear from being like most guys on the Internet. He hears about the behavior of men on the Internet, yet questions it as a hypocrite.

A Side Note

Keep in mind that people have their own word banks for different emotions, reactions, or feelings toward a situation. On the phone, there are different non-verbal cues like giggling and hesitation to speak. Always be on the alert for these things! Now, as far as prolonged foreplay goes, this guy receives an F for F**ck Off! He needs to tackle a few things before going for the end zone with the football. Seriously, do we blame porn for the deterioration of prolonged foreplay? When was it acceptable to assume that it is necessary to skip her facial features? Forget chivalry, what ever happened to sensual forehead kisses? Does he skip around the bases?

Concluding Thoughts

We are all human, we have urges, and we desire to feel physically and emotionally connected with other people. How we approach these conflicting issues in our lives to overcome the overwhelming desire is primarily based on convenience. If there is a local bar or a glowing monitor screen around the corner, we take action. What we need to understand is that we all have primitive instincts on relationships. If someone attracts us, we are intrigued. We initiate contact, engage in communication, and we market ourselves in the dating marketplace. The communication can be both verbal or non-verbal, but the Internet acts as a virtual barrier to change the way we challenge the question as to whether this person is worth a date, several dates, or a possible long-term commitment. The way we engage with each other sets the tone in the conversation. Do they seem interested? Are they writing in paragraphs? Are they caught up with complimentary vocabulary or factual information? Take a note to the response time. If they never mentioned that they were busy, why are they taking longer than expected to reply back if they are interested? Until next time, take action and start questioning! You deserve better than the second option. Thanks for reading!

Let’s Talk!

Questions, comments, concerns? Get argumentative. I write for the sake of engagement. This is what makes an effective blog worth reading. Never take everything, and go with it. Opinions! What sparked your interested? A different guy questioned both women if they had Instagram to verify that he was not being Catfished. Would you do the same? What triggers your gut instinct to say that someone is too good to be true?

Reading Between the Lines; Analyzing Conversations in Online Dating

The Impact of Disney’s Love Stories on Modern Dating

The structure of a childhood in the 90’s was greatly influenced by Walt Disney’s animated movie series playing on repeat. This indulgence of entertainment is very similar to the new generation exposed to SpongeBob SquarePants and Dora the Explorer. Mr. Walt Disney experienced a rough childhood growing up on his family farm, but his passion for commercial art lead him into the right direction for Hollywood fame. In 1937, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs was an inspirational turning point in his entire life. Disney’s animated debut of his touching love story was a life changing moment for any hopeless romantic looking for true love.

Social, familial, religious and media influences continuously refine the new era of relationships and romance to guide the future of young hopeless romantics. The impact of Disney’s classics on older generations is greatly hindered by the new social influences. The important step forward is to read an article that focuses on rekindling inspirational messages from our adolescence. We must focus on reality while applying some important ideas from fantasy and fairy tale. A greater emphasis on how to achieve these messages is vital information for the health of any relationship. Although Disney stirred up some controversial sexual appetite within subliminal messaging, I will focus on the simplistic messages that everyone must take into their own relationships for 2013. This article will primarily focus on some of the Disney princesses and princes, as well the men who are not necessarily receiving that royal entitlement. The important message behind every love story is discussed, as well as some advice on effectively applying these messages into the modern style of dating.

Snow White ~ A Christms Fantasy Parade

Snow White and the Prince

Guten morgen, Schneewittchen! In the early 1890’s, Mrs. Klara Hitler Pölzl must have read baby Adolf the German version of Snow White throughout his adolescence.  Although Hitler’s love story after exchanging vows with Eva Braun lasted for only 40 hours, Snow White and Prince Ferdinand has a legacy of true love since their first embrace. I may emphasize on vanity for a moral lesson in this fairy tale, but materialistic measures might be too obvious. Although stating the obvious is not as effective as anticipated, feelings and emotions are always misunderstood or not acknowledged.

The Brothers Grimm, producers of the original German version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, left the dwarfs unidentified.  Disney created names for the seven dwarfs to symbolize seven feelings that may or may not contribute to the seven deadly sins.  Regardless of their intentions, these feelings cannot be ignored in any relationship. I advocate for effective communication, but body language is an important part of that understanding. Actions do speak louder than words, but some actions are often pushed aside. While you communicate with your partner, make sure to notice their body movement and presentation. If you are single, learn how to analyze your date when they are representing the seven feelings portrayed in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. By the end of the month, you are able to differentiate between being happy and bored, as well as agitated and depressed. Although Doc does not represent a feeling or emotion, he does represent intelligence. In that perspective, understand the difference between your partner’s sarcasm and their brutally honest opinions. In a literal sense, find out how they are being smart with you.  Lastly, give each other compliments every other day. Although terms of endearment are healthy for any relationship, try not to overwhelm their self-esteem into an issue of vanity. If you notice your partner is talking to a mirror, question them about it. Reassure them that the mirror is dirty, and you see everything clear in your own eyes.

Cinderella and Prince Charming

Cinderella & Prince Charming

Bonjour, ma chérie Cendrillion! In 1697, Charles Perrault produced Cendrillon, the original French version of Cinderella, before Disney made it into an animated feature-length film in 1950. The moral of this love story is simple – work your ass off under guardian authority until your fortune comes knocking at your door with your glass slipper.  In reality, only those who work hard will achieve fortunate success in the future. A person’s emotional strength is more important with this lesson than to think about financial or economic conditions. If someone can hold off commitment for true love, let it happen naturally throughout their daily lifestyle. Regardless if there is no set of directions or manual to live life, challenging social and familial barriers will hold someone back from achieving their life ambitions. If you have a dysfunctional family, join the club. You might feel unimportant, worthless, and stuck in the middle of a lot of bullshit. Seriously, talk to me about it. Cinderella’s support was very limited, but she was fortunate enough that her Fairy Godmother was not listed in Craigslist.

I want you to find a comfort zone with a supportive network of people willing to help you realize that you are an important person in society. If you are in an abusive relationship, whether the situation is with family or a partner, never carry out that negative energy to the people around you. Regardless if Cinderella had family treating her like shit, she was always an amazing woman outside her home. Guys, everyone has baggage. If your Cinderella is experiencing overwhelming circumstances, take Prince Charming’s determination to move forward. Mr. Charming did not judge her in any shape or form, but he felt an instant connection with Cinderella at the ball.  Regardless if a woman leaves you after an amazing night, follow your heart to fill the vacant space between your fingers and arms. Seriously, this is a love story where two people meet for the first time, and experience love at first dance. Find some way to connect with your partner emotionally by being there for them when they need it the most.

Aurora and Prince Phillip

A Christmas Fantasy: Princess Aurora, Prince P...

On January 29th, 1959, Sleeping Beauty released a few months before the birth of my two lovely parents.  Mr. Perrault produced another romantic masterpiece, La Belle au bois dormant, that inspired Disney to pursue another animated sensation. Congratulations if you were never cursed at birth with an evil bitch fairy similar to Maleficent. Princess Aurora was very fortunate to have good fairies to bestow gifts upon her that would change her life forever. Maleficient cast a curse upon Princess Aurora shortly before Merryweather bestowed her gift to the newborn princess.  Merryweather decided to amend the original curse cast upon the baby with something less extreme than the death from a spindle on a spinning wheel during her sixteenth birthday.

Although a deep ageless slumber for 100 years sounds reassuring, a true love’s first kiss does not necessarily happen overnight for a sixteen year old.  This love story has an arranged marriage behind it, but there is so much more to learn from this fairy tale. The greatest advice someone can take from this story into their own love life is to drink responsibly for Thirsty Thursday when they hang out with their girlfriends. No, seriously, a random prince is not going to kiss you shortly after your hangover in the morning to wake you up. In all seriousness, 100 years is an extensively long time to wait for true love.

Young adolescent infatuations motivate two innocent individuals to move forward towards maturity and responsibility. A misunderstanding of love and infatuated feelings can break many young hearts before they realize the structure of a stable relationship. If someone loves another person, they can wait for another year after they both exchange conversations and develop understanding for each other. If Prince Phillip can wait 100 years to find true love, anyone can wait for another year before making anything official. Patience is primarily the easiest thing to have for any relationship, but love is worth the wait. If you are planning a future ahead together, just stop unless you are both engaged. Live each day to the fullest one heart beat at a time taking things slow and steady for as long as you can handle. If two people can handle being in an unofficial relationship with each other for a while, you can both understand the true value of true love.

Ariel and Prince Eric 

Ariel and Prince Eric

Although the year 1959 started off great, Princess Aurora was the last princess under Walt Disney’s management. On December 15, 1966, Mr. Disney was 65 years old when he passed in St. Joseph’s Hospital at 9:35 A.M. with an acute circulatory collapse from lung cancer.  In 1837, Hans Christian Andersen produced Disney’s little Danish seawoman in Den lille havfrue who later became Ariel in The Little Mermaid released in 1989. Although I was born on September 3rd, 1989, I was too young to understand the reasoning behind a young woman in search for love outside her own sea kingdom. Ariel’s love story is very similar to the young Amish community willing to step outside their norm to check out the city. Ursula’s human package deal in exchange for Ariel’s voice might be too much for love, but in three days a true love’s first kiss might be the most rewarding challenge any young teenager would face. Although Ursula used Vanessa against Ariel’s attempt with Eric, Ursula played very dirty to hinder a young couple from discovering true love.

The best advice for anyone, especially sixteen years old, taken from this Disney production is to realize how American culture is changing because of something very similar to this love story. Whether there is an interest in watching 16 and Pregnant or understanding that life is not easy by growing up too fast, no young woman should leave their family and friends behind for a chance at love.  However, one important message from Ursula is to use body language. Yes, body language is very effective for anyone without a voice in the relationship – literally. I cannot emphasize this enough – just learn about each other without speaking. For the scene where this happens, watch the following clip:

Belle and Prince Adam

Beauty and the Beast

In 1756, Jeanne-Marie Leprince de Beaumont, author of La Belle et la Bête, never imagined to inspire Disney to recapture Beauty and the Beast in 1991 as an animated love story. Whether you agree or disagree, this was one of the most dramatic and powerful love stories throughout Disney’s history. An enchantress disguised as an old woman panhandling and looking for shelter during Christmas night changes a young prince’s life forever. She offers the selfish young prince a rose in exchange for warmth and shelter.  The prince had a cold heart in a luxurious warm place to stay, but felt disgusted from the beggar’s appearance outside his door. The prince was instantly transformed into a hideous monster with beastly features. The Beast’s servants are all transformed into furniture and other household items that later encourage him to break the spell with the rose that has his life on hold. The Beast must find love, but not unrequited love, until his 21st birthday. If all the rose petals have fallen off, he will remain a hideous beast for his entire life.

The main message is not only that looks are deceiving, or the agreeable statement that inner beauty will only be more attractive when someone ignores their egotistical nature. The main message is to marry someone for love, and nothing but love. In addition, another main message here is to treat others the way you would like to be treated. If you are with someone for physical attraction, leave them. If you know someone is with you solely for your appearance, leave them. If you feel lust instead of love, change something about your current situation. Unfortunately, we will all age into old, wrinkly beasts. All that will be left is our inner beauty, and hopefully the person you marry is someone who can respect that permanent overall appearance from you.

Jasmine and Aladdin

Aladdin and Jasmine

你好吗?Disney’s Middle Eastern folk tale Aladdin in 1992 was originally set in China, making Aladdin explicitly Chinese.  The Book of One Thousand and One Nights was never popular in American culture, but Alladin was one of the few stories from the book which played a significant role in understanding Middle Eastern culture.

Jasmine, the Sultan’s daughter, experiences the same feeling as Ariel, but Jasmine wants to escape her duties of being a princess and step away from her luxurious lifestyle of royalty in the palace.  Jasmine meets Aladdin, a street rat, in an Arabian marketplace ran by peasants trying to make ends-meat. Jasmine wants to marry someone for true love, but her father insists that the law requires a royal marriage by the following year. Aladdin uses his Genie to grant wishes, but the Genie denies from granting any wish that involves true love. Aladdin’s social status in Agrabah is nothing to brag about to the Sultan, and Jasmine is strictly ordered to marry a prince. The important lesson in this love story is to be yourself, and always be honest. Regardless how your partner’s parents or friends feel about you, impress them with honesty.  Jasmine knew Aladdin was lying, but she only forgave him because he wanted to win her heart. Obviously, Jafar was no match made in heaven, but Aladdin had much more potential because his love for Jasmine was greater than Jafar’s love for superiority and power.

In honor of the ones I missed:

  • Pocahontas and Captain John Smith
  • Fa Mulan and Captain Li Shang
  • Tiana and Prince Naveen
  • Rapunzel and Flynn Rider

On the Edge of Rapunzel’s Forest 

  • Simba and Nala 

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The Impact of Disney’s Love Stories on Modern Dating