Reading Between the Lines; Analyzing Conversations in Online Dating

MuffDiver69 sent you a message! “F**k. Why me?” You start to question your sane existence on a dating website. Is it acceptable to judge someone based on their dating profile username, or do we assume that it was just a joke? The username implies a lot of mixed messages. I doubt this guy works at a bakery diving into muffins every morning. Perhaps, his favorite number is sixty-nine because it represents 1969 as the year of the first episode of Scooby-Doo, Where Are You! that appeared on CBS.  Clearly, he must be referring to himself as a dog after all.

The username sets up the first impression with a lot of hesitation and disinterest. The next step is how they start the conversation. Whether you effectively analyzed their dating profile or started browsing through an endless list of fan letters, stay engaged with someone you are truly interested in. You might actually miss something important other than picking up on their account credentials.

In this article, I will focus on conversation analysis. Guys, the clue phone rang plenty of times, and you still have messages! Why not check them? She either wants you to stay or pack your bags. Pick it up! This one is for you! Girls, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Why are you still letting that one swim around at the end of the hook? If you are trying to reel him in and he is not putting any effort into coming closer, stop struggling! Let him swim away. We need to discuss how to analyze conversations through first impressions and word choice. Lastly, we need to start treating life like an hourglass! If the person is not worth a grain of sand, move on before time runs out!

In addition, I am going to discuss conversation methods that guys use with OkCupid. I will be incorporating a social experiment that I personally conducted with my two Catfish dating profiles. Are they thirsty or are they serious? I caught the same guy fishing for both ladies! Did he talk to them differently based on what they provided on their dating profile? Is the education section more intimidating for the guys who sleep around all the time? Is there a greater chance that family oriented guys are looking for someone serious?

When someone sends you a message, you have to keep in mind that not all messages are created with equal intentions. I will categorize the three types of groups on a dating website that most hopeless romantics will discover. These three main areas of concern are Physical Intimacy and/or Emotional Comfort Deficiency, Sexual frustration, and the Disney Believers.

Physical intimacy

Physical Intimacy and/or Emotional Comfort Deficiency

We all crave a physical and/or emotional connection with someone. This deficiency in physical intimacy and emotional comfort can push hopeless romantics over the edge. We tend to satisfy these urges through social networking websites, but sometimes we need more than that. We need to meet people in person to get the actual physical or emotional fix from physical intimacy. The intellectual conversations can only do so much for a strong, emotional connection with someone. The way we approach this desire can come off as desperate or too clingy. I am down to cuddle with anyone through no strings attached snuggling. However, the sensual intentions are constantly surrounded by sexual misconceptions. An instant wall of hesitation creates a temporary access of trust until boundaries are crossed. That is the crucial moment when trust will be much harder to achieve. If two people mutually agree that they will only cuddle with each other, how does one continue to trust the other if they take an advantage of the situation? How will you be certain that they will respect your own morals and values to your own body if they made an attempt to challenge them?

In one of my most explicit road maps to seduction,  I created an article that reveals the sensualist perspective. I focus on a forehead to waistline outline that will only make or break the encounter. I cannot guarantee success because nobody shares the same tolerance of pleasure, however I can guarantee confidence in the bedroom. I can guarantee that you will get your fix if it is solely on a sensual, rather than sexual, experience.

Sexual Frustration

Sexual Frustration

Your magazines appear to be used, flipped, and sticky. Your DVD collection has at least two scratches on each CD. Your computer is running extremely slow with content that eventually grew on you after years of commitment. Your toys ran out of batteries, or your virtual flesh is starting to tear apart. Your blowup doll had enough hot air to warm up an entire winter season. Your hand needs a vacation. You crave the real thing, but you hesitate to pay for an erotic service. If it was given for free, do you even have standards for one-night stands? College students might have this sexually frustrated stereotype, and older individuals might be overwhelmed with a mid-life crisis. This is the group that has a greater impact on social networks. Sex is a physical and emotional desire for some, and an addiction for others. Some people count each other as numbers, others look at the quality of each person. This divide has become the most conflicting issue on dating websites. Anyone with class or respect for themselves will not carry around the easy impression. Regardless how sexually frustrated they are, the least they can do is find someone reasonably respectful and passionate to treat them as a temporary partner.

Disney Believers 

There is still hope that one day a Disney believer’s  fairy tale ending will come around the corner. They will have to kiss many toads, face ugly dragons, obsessive knights, and plenty of jokers throughout their journey for true love. They give dating websites a second chance rather than their only hope. They have plenty of hope that their soul-mate is somewhere in the world. They feel as if their knight and shining armor was never meant to be down the street from them, but they are determined to find them eventually. The only way to expand their search is to look online. They can live without the physical or emotional connection, but the sexually frustrated individuals annoy them. They are classy, spontaneous, and heartfelt. These people stand out from the rest because they come across as patient, optimistic, and determined hopeless romantics. They will not settle for less because they already know they deserve much better than that. Time will tell, believers. Those butterflies should rest until then.

Categorizing First Impressions

The first impression of someone’s message will instantly determine which group describes their overall personality. When you engage in a conversation, the way they express their ideas will provide more clues on their overall self-esteem and identity. This might sound overwhelming to remember, but it should come natural with interpersonal communication. I will provide some examples of how guys approached two of my Catfish OkCupid accounts posing as two girls in their early 20’s living in California.

I portray as a recent UConn graduate with a B.A. in Psychology, minor in French. She is pursuing a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology in California while volunteering at a health clinic. Nobody ever questioned why she was in Connecticut before she came to California. The other account portrays as a rave girl living in California with no academic aspirations. She makes her own cosplay outfits.  She answers her questions on her dating profile with sexual responses. This allows me to understand if guys take the time to read the responses. Although the sophisticated one is very bubbly and outgoing, she makes a note that she recently left an abusive relationship. In addition, the most private thing to admit is an accidental, embarrassing sext moment when she sexted her best friend. Now, her best guy friend calls her, “Cheeks.”  

The OkCupid Social Experiment 

This is how the OkCupid social experiment played out with each account. I will compare the first message from the same guy with the college graduate and the next will show an example of the first message to the rave girl. Notice the tone and word choice with each account. Think about how education and sexual gratification play into these messages.

An example first message for the college graduate:

“Hey maybe we could chat sometime if you like?”

An example first message from the same guy for the rave girl:

“Hey there cutie maybe we could chat sometime”

Ah, he almost uses a copy and paste method of chatting. The main difference is that he actually made a move on my appearance as the rave chick and not the one with the four year degree. Does that really prove anything? Is it more polite to ask, “if you like,” rather than assume that the other will talk to him sometime? Let’s find out. On the sophisticated side, he asks a basic question to engage in conversation:

Him: Lol I’ll do my best. So how is your day?

College Graduate: It was fun. Just talking to a bunch of weirdos on here. lol

Him: That doesn’t sounds fun lol I would hate that
CG: Yeah, especially the horny ones. Did porn shut down or something? lol

Him: Lol I know what you mean I hear about guys like that a lot on here and I’m like why?

CG: Yeah, they would f**k anything that has a hole. lol

Him: Lmao that sounds about right for most guys on the internet in general 😛

CG: Are you like most guys? 

Him: I don’t think I am but I honestly couldn’t tell you for sure 

CG: Why not? Is there something you’re hiding from me? 
Him: I’m not hiding anything from you I just honestly don’t couldn’t tell you if I’m like most guys because it would be your personal opinion lol
CG: Are you usually engaging in sexual conversations with other women on the Internet? That wouldn’t be a personal opinion. You either do or you don’t … like most guys.

Him: I honestly don’t unless the girl I’m talking to is my gf lol but I haven’t had one in a while lol

How about the rave girl?  
In summary, the chat went like this:
Him: I want you so bad I’ll do anything you like 😉
RG:anything? what are you confident the most about? 😉

Him: Confident about? Thats a good question lol idk honestly I’m not to confident of a person lol

 RG: haha, you’re silly! what could you do for me that you know would please me and make me moan? ^_^

Him: Mmm I could probably play with your nice tits and rub that wet pussy 😉

RG: mmm hey babe, do you know what erogenous zones are?

Him: No what are they?
RG: Aw, that’s a shame. If you did, you could please me really well. 😦
Him: I’m so sorry baby could you tell me what they are? 
Him: I wanna please you as much as I can babe
RG:[sent him a link on erogenous zones] 
The guy never came back to me to verify that he understands the importance of erogenous zones. I was hesitant to give him one of my blog articles, so I sent him a link to askmen.com. He continued the conversation with complimentary language, mentioning how sexy I was. The concept of erogenous zones will give you that warm sexy vibe, but that was not the point. I wish he asked which areas would I enjoy the most. Does it matter? Was he caught up with his own selfish sexual gratification? Does he really care about pleasing me much as he promises? I doubt it. I am not his girlfriend, remember?
The Compatibility Stats 
RG: 8% Match 53% Friend 40% Enemy
CG: 65% Match 46% Friend 20% Enemy
If this guy cared about matches, he is trying his best to make an impression on the educated woman. If he cared about friends (with benefits), he would go after the rave girl. In the long run, he knows the rave girl would not be the ideal match for him for something stable. So, why would he waste his time on her? The emotional attachment might end up with the educated woman, while the physical attachment is with the rave girl. After an hour later, the guy messages the college graduate back.

Him: I hope I didn’t scare you off lol

CG: I am pretty sure you just want a f**k buddy. Sorry I wasted your time.

Him: I never said that :/ I honestly don’t sorry that it seemed like that and sorry that I wasted your time.

Conversational Strategies Most People Do 

1. If the person is a potential ideal match for a serious commitment, they are generally more respectful. It’s common sense.

Example:

Girl: Here’s the guy I’ve been talking to this whole time, mom!

Mom: Aw, how did you two meet? Was it at school? 

The young couple embarrassingly looks at each other, hesitating to respond. The idea of meeting each other online was nothing to be ashamed about, but the initial message that created this inseparable bond.

2. If the person is a potential hook-up, one-night stand, or a fling, meeting family is generally a reserved situation. Complimentary language, pick-up lines, and anything oriented around appearance is an immediate red flag. Guys, if you cared that much to set an impression, why not focus on complimenting her on something that rarely receives praise? These factors are generally academic achievements,  a legitimate profile analysis, and keywords that struck you the most. Just remember my previous blog post about analyzing dating profiles.

3. The tone of voice and word choice in language is very flexible. The college graduate used “lol” at the end of each response until she questioned him on the spot if he was like most guys on the Internet. In comparison, his tone of language is slightly different from the way he communicates with the rave girl. According to the guy, there is no reason to talk dirty to other women on the Internet because he only reserves that behavior with his girlfriend. He mentions that he has not had one in a while. Therefore, in his opinion, he is clear from being like most guys on the Internet. He hears about the behavior of men on the Internet, yet questions it as a hypocrite.

A Side Note

Keep in mind that people have their own word banks for different emotions, reactions, or feelings toward a situation. On the phone, there are different non-verbal cues like giggling and hesitation to speak. Always be on the alert for these things! Now, as far as prolonged foreplay goes, this guy receives an F for F**ck Off! He needs to tackle a few things before going for the end zone with the football. Seriously, do we blame porn for the deterioration of prolonged foreplay? When was it acceptable to assume that it is necessary to skip her facial features? Forget chivalry, what ever happened to sensual forehead kisses? Does he skip around the bases?

Concluding Thoughts

We are all human, we have urges, and we desire to feel physically and emotionally connected with other people. How we approach these conflicting issues in our lives to overcome the overwhelming desire is primarily based on convenience. If there is a local bar or a glowing monitor screen around the corner, we take action. What we need to understand is that we all have primitive instincts on relationships. If someone attracts us, we are intrigued. We initiate contact, engage in communication, and we market ourselves in the dating marketplace. The communication can be both verbal or non-verbal, but the Internet acts as a virtual barrier to change the way we challenge the question as to whether this person is worth a date, several dates, or a possible long-term commitment. The way we engage with each other sets the tone in the conversation. Do they seem interested? Are they writing in paragraphs? Are they caught up with complimentary vocabulary or factual information? Take a note to the response time. If they never mentioned that they were busy, why are they taking longer than expected to reply back if they are interested? Until next time, take action and start questioning! You deserve better than the second option. Thanks for reading!

Let’s Talk!

Questions, comments, concerns? Get argumentative. I write for the sake of engagement. This is what makes an effective blog worth reading. Never take everything, and go with it. Opinions! What sparked your interested? A different guy questioned both women if they had Instagram to verify that he was not being Catfished. Would you do the same? What triggers your gut instinct to say that someone is too good to be true?

Reading Between the Lines; Analyzing Conversations in Online Dating